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It would be like your grandma trying to figure out how Facebook works.
And it's not just the technological skills I'm lacking.
I know several people who met on Tinder or OKCupid, and a friend of a friend even recently went to a wedding for one such couple.
"The story of a not-quite-adult just trying to figure it out in the adult world." If my life were a cliche TV show or romantic comedy, that would be the tagline on all of the promotional posters.
New York City was second, with Portland, Oregon; San Jose, California; and Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, rounding out the top five. 37, with a safety score of 6.52: The least safe city for online dating, according to the study, was Buffalo, New York, which had a safety score of 0.8.
A high rate of STDs contributed to these being among the least safe cities for online dating: To determine a safety score, researchers at High Speed and Safe analyzed a year's worth of STD and violent crime data, then adjusted it for population.
"The correlations led us to draw interesting conclusions about the dangers of online dating in certain geographic areas and cities," researchers wrote.
San Antonio came out on top as the safest city for online dating, with a score of 9.4 out of 10.
You also have the melancholy folks who walk around looking like Eeyore, transferring their bitterness and confusion onto others. In life, we encounter many people who bring out different traits and emotions within us.
So by side-stepping the dating process, am I forgoing an important growing experience?
Only years of hindsight will be able to answer that question, and I'm guessing by that point I'll feel silly for ever asking.
Yet if I ever find myself single again and forced to use this newfangled contraption, I'd be starting way behind the curve.
I don't even really know what the interface looks like; I'm certainly unaware of the proper etiquette.
We met in college, sans-Tinder, and now live together.